I know.. there is something wrong within....

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

An honest man died......

I had a very ill feeling today. Well It was not ill, It was just a feeling which I keep hiding from myself. I had imagined myself to be the most pathetic human being. It was good in the sense I felt like I am a loner and if I start loving myself then I would have no rivals.

Then on the other hand I felt weird. Coz I remembered my mom and dad who had infact made me. It was their responsibility to nurture me and grow me up now the question arose in my mind that ?

Do I owe them for life for everything for "whatever they did " which they thought was their responsibility?
I was left awestruck and unanswered.

I do have a lot of self respect for myself. I sometimes know myself so well that every action I do I just have a feeling that I would know the opposite reaction yet I do it for I like to have the experience. So I feel I know what's the last page and everything then seems uninteresting.

When I was 11 I used to steal books and pens from other friends, actually I was not miser but I wanted to know how would I feel like when I steal ? It was good initially till one day I was caught and bashed up. It was funny because I was laughing the whole time. I wanted to get caught and have a beating. I wanted to just experience it.

When I was 15 I didn't do a work a senior gave it to me. I wanted to know how is like to be scared of someone who is much powerful and scary. The 15 second walk he took from the hostel gate to my bed I literally saw him in the eyes to tell him I am not scared, but I was a bit not because that he would hit me or punish me.. I have a lot of stamina to resist that but what scared me was my ability to analyze. He hit me and then I put dettol on my head and I went back to ......

When I was 21, I wanted to see this world a better place and felt like I am the only fish dirtying the pond and causing troubles. I sometimes cry and orgasm with fear and I am speaking in literal sense not metaphorically. I experienced something strange out of it. At the end I am the same guy who is not afraid or anything but just scared of the fact that I analyze things too quickly.

I do not miss words, I do not miss people, I do not miss life, I do not miss happiness the only thing I miss is DEATH....

Come soon ! Don't make me come to you.


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