I know.. there is something wrong within....

Sunday, December 06, 2015

A smoke !

I remember hearing this - "I only enjoy the smell of the cigarette but can't smoke it. I am simply intolerant to cigarettes". I couldn't agree more.

Friday, November 05, 2010

The Guiltless Man

It was 1996. That evening had the look of despair. The sun looked red not the red you see when it’s before sunset. It was bright yellowish red. The clouds broke into pieces as if someone has broken red thin porcelain plates into pieces and threw them all over the sky. The sky was lit red with broken clouds. I looked up for a long time thinking how everyday is so different from the rest of the day.  

At a far distance I saw the kites flying. I was never a good kite flier; it was something that I could never master with my hands. I had heard lots of stories about my brother and cousins, especially my brother who is a great kite flier. I used to think that I could never be so that good. I was not very proud of that

That particular day Jimmy, my next door friend told me that today we should fly a kite.
The way he said

Saurabh, chal ‘patang’ utate hai! Achaa mausam hai. Kya bolta hai
(Saurabh, Lets fly ‘kites’ ! Amazing Weather, don’t you think)
Patang” ! I had the Pepsi Bat and a shower ball (Cosco). I had cricket in my mind. I frowned and shook my head to say no.

There was something about Kites.
There was like a search engine in my mind, the moment I heard kite, I remember the torment I go through, the pain of not being good in something, the agony that makes me want to die, the hate of being in a competition where I could be no good. I had accepted that long time back then that I wouldn’t waste time flying kites for there is something that is not meant for me. I felt guilty of being not good, the guilt which made me sick in my stomach, the guilt to myself which makes me ask only 1 question Why can’t I ?

Jimmy was a little persuasive. I don’t like people who try to persuade. I hated it.
Finally I brought 6 kites that day from ‘Suvidha’ the general store in my gali. I had the look of an unconfident man, I was sure that I will crash or tear apart the first few kites. Jimmy said he knows how to string. I said no, let’s go to dadaji, my grandfather, one thing I knew that when he used to say that he knows something, I was without doubt that he would be the best, after all it had at least 20-30 years of experience behind it. I got the ‘lape’ (a thing made from wheat flour used to stick something) Jimmy made a tail for it to balance. I frowned again.

My dadaji tied the knots in perfection. I remember his concentration, the way his hands used to move and his eyes as if it was his kite. He was 85.

I took the ‘latai’ (Latai: The spool which has the coiled string) which we also bought the same day ran 2 steps at a time to go on the rooftop. My house has a nice rooftop. The mango tree reached up to rooftop with branches falling on the railing. In the season you can pluck mangoes and one can see everything from there in my colony, To be honest it used to make the skyline of my colony in those days.  No kidding!

It was breezy but still it was difficult even for Jimmy who claimed, had flown enough kites. Jimmy was one of my best friends at the age of 10. He was an excellent cricketer I remember bowling to him from 9am-5pm continuously missing lunch in a challenge to get him out and he never got out. Either that makes me a sucky bowler or him an excellent batsman, but still I would like to believe he was very good. He and I used to celebrate over every great cover drive of Sachin. That India-Pakistan match of 1996 World Cup which India won, I still remember we fired Crackers at 12am, and especially the Rockets keeping them in a bottle and holding the bottle in our hands pointing the rockets in other people’s houses.

The first kite which we made with a long tail dove like Jet in the mango trees and it tore apart. I cut the string to connect to the other kite. Well, it never even left the roof. The third kite tore because Jimmy’s hand was on kite while I pulled the kite with the string. The fourth kite was the red kite. I liked the kite. I wanted to fly it. I had a feeling that I would be able to fly it. It showed a color of achievement.

I wanted to fly the kite without any tail, somehow it was meant to be tougher and if I was attempting something which can make my bones chill, I sure knew I won’t take any easy way. The toughest way was my way to overcome the fear and the agony and especially the guilt.

I tried with the ‘red patang’; for me it suggested, lucky success probably. I told him to give a jerk from his chest as I tried to loose free and pull hard for it to rise.

Dheel (let loose) de na jimmy’
‘De raha huin’
“Kheech kheech” Jimmy yelled.

It was flying at least about 20 m away. It was flying. I was beginning to be happy. Suddenly as if the kite entered a new zone, It went soaring downwards...

Kheech kheech..jaldi jaldi.

I panicked, my attempt is again going futile. I am not meant for this. I pulled it as quickly as possible but the speed at which the patang went inside the roof, and invisible string lying dead on the poles, the mango tree, on electric lines, I couldn’t have pulled any quickly. It was stuck, I pulled it hard that I think I heard the ripping sound of the patang. It just came with the Criss Cross thin Bamboo sticks, and the redness was gone. All left was the sticks, It looked Pale Yellow.

The anxiety attack came again. I was beginning to feel restless. I had to get it out. I had to take care of it else I am going to explode.
I came downstairs furious and painfully sad with myself. I went to shoe rack kicked the wooden shoe rack so hard with my naked feet that I didn’t care if my nail broke but inside I prayed that it doesn’t. As soon as I hit the wood, sharp pain shot through my legs.

My eyes got red the thin veins in my white ball started expanding and I could feel a drop of water from the corner of the eye. I went to the basin; I could even see the small tiny hole producing the glob of tear. It was coming because of the pain. It was involuntary, I wasn’t crying, I was furious over my failure once again. I opened the water with the maximum speed. MAXIMUM SPEED. The water splashed on my shirt  and leg. My leg was dirty with dust, The water showed my brown skin underneath. I looked in the mirror trying to control my anger, my failure. I washed my eyes and told myself, “kya kar raha hai.. chodd na”.

As I came downstairs, I felt calm. Nobody had any idea what I just went through. Dad was doing some paperwork. Didi was in kitchen with my mother, Bhaiya was watching TV.

I went up to Dadaji’s room told him that I am not able to fly.
He looked up unruffled and told me, “ Phir se koshish karo” I looked at him especially his blue eyes which can make u look at him for long time, thinking how weird is that he has blue eyes. Huh, whatever.  It was very different and he was unflustered with things that didn’t matter to him. My failure didn’t matter to him but somehow my efforts did.

I went into the kitchen where Mom gave me some thing to eat and I said “NO”. It wasn’t a no which could have posed a question. I took some water and ran upstairs.

As soon as I reached upstairs I found Jimmy locking the rooftop door telling me it’s almost 7.  It wasn’t dark. It was just late. I told him “You go! I will fly”

I went outside took the last Purple Patang and came downstairs to get my knot made from dadaji. He made it with the same precision mutely, only a little longer and finally disclosed a few tricks regarding the ratio of lengths of the front and back for me to understand the concept.

I went up. I made the knots with the string connected to ‘latai’. I wiped my mouth with back of my palm and tried again, very cautiously. It fell. I tried again. It fell. I ran with the whole kite and string from one end of roof to the other end. It didn’t fly.

Finally to give more jerk, I went to the railing and let the kite fall on one side in the air and kept the latai on the rooftop ground. I held the string with my hand. The kite was now about 10 feet below roof hanging loose and I pulled with the strongest jerk I could give. The string nicked the skin on my fingers. It hurt but I managed to fly a little bit. I kicked the latai on the ground for it to loose more string like a wool ball. I let the kite go very slowly and held it at my grasp. I used to give jerks to see which direction the wind is trying to guide. I felt the string running through my fingers like a pulley, I could feel the scratch deepen and lines it made. But I didn’t look down, just at the kite. I had to fly.

After about 40 min, without my realization I found the kite almost 200 m away. The purple kite against the red sun, It looked Maroonish. I took the latai and I kept giving dheel.

It was flying in sunset. I put the latai in one of the holes and let the kite fly all by itself.
I didn’t care if anybody is there to see me doing it, I didn’t care if after today I would never be able to fly kite ever again, I didn’t care if anybody told me that I can fly better than you.

At about 8 pm, It was about to sunset, I had not realized but I have almost sent my kite about 1 km away. I could see the kite just above the Gas Station or the last Grey House visible to me. I played with the latai, I played with the string. I even danced on the railing with the latai in my hand as if it was the only thing that mattered to me. I clapped my hands so hard that it echoed on the roof.

I was thinking to pull it down when I saw my brother coming from the door; He was eating something on the plate. Followed by him were my mother and my sister. They always thought I flew kites.

Didi said “ Kitna door chala gaya hai..”
Mom nodded in agreement.
They had no idea the happiness I had in my mind.

My brother took the latai from my hand and started flying; I took his plate with bread rolls and started eating. It was his but I wanted to eat from the same plate. He kept flying for a while and giving more and more ‘dheel’.

Finally the string ended. All what was left was the smallest knot on one of the Bamboo sticks of the latai.

He came back to talk to me if we should pull it back when I heard the SNAP.
I knew what it was. The string broke from the latai. It was empty.

From what I saw from the faces of my family was a momentary awe, my sister was looking at bhaiya while he was flying. She responded trying to catch the string in the air. It was funny.  I heard my brother whispering “Shucks”.

There was a momentary weirdness and everyone looked at me, I was so happy that I couldn’t care. I just smiled and said

Kya hua?”

Bhaiya said “String toot gaya (The string broke), as if was it was his fault” He felt guilty for something. I could see his lips purse, I wondered  if anyone can be ‘the guiltless man’ because I sure knew it was the guilt that I wanted most for him to be free of. I smiled.

I told him in the most cheerful voice “ I am sure that the kite would not fall before it will reach near River Ganges. I think I saw my brother’s face explode with jollity only for a second  before he came patted on my back and started eating from the same plate as we watched the ‘purple patang’ go away.

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Saturday, November 21, 2009

After 1year 1month 1day, 1 wrote this

If you have not seen Kolkata you are surely missing out something. There is something about it which makes me feel wonderful. It has that character of being different from other cities and proudly standing there even though it is the crowd-est city in the country and little filthy too.

I arrived in Kolkata on 8th Nov 2009. To be honest I hated that city. It was just filthy right from the airport. Moreover what happened within the first few minutes with me being in the city also had to do with it.

I was in those yellow taxis, the other taxi just tried to overtake from left and it got jammed.
My taxi driver: "abbey bhonsri k dikhta nahi hai kya"?
Him: Kya be ?
My taxi driver: "Saala (while turning the steering), ghusaa jaa raha hai bihari saala "
And he drove away

I retorted instantly: Kya hai yeh..kuch bhi bol rahe ho?
He said: “ Sirjee aap jaante nahi ho, saale sab bihari ek number k haraami hotey hai

I didn’t think much before I warned him “ bhaiya aage toh aap bolna nahi warna yahi ladayee ho jaayege” and I didn’t hear any word from him again.

I finished the work in Kolkata and had plans with a friend to visit Kolkata. Everybody we asked said to go to Park Hotel. There was a point when we were like is there any place else and this Bengali guy was like:
“ It’s a good place. You’ll have fun”. I knew what he meant but I was failing to make him understand that I wanted to go somewhere where it would be funny to go and cheap. I hate paying 500 buks for a pint.

I am cheap.
Anyhow we strayed around the city like dogs eating some or the other things, laughing talking about Amit Thakur’s antics. I mean that guy is hilarious.
I still remember:

We lived in a big bunglow in the corner of the city in Scotland. It had like 15-20 bedrooms, It looked like an old Scottish haunted witchouse.
Amit Thakur lost his keys of his room. Our boss, there was an asshole. Damn, Thakur was so scared to even ask for duplicate keys.. he used to come back from office and go around the house through those 5 feet tall grasses to enter his room through window.
I died laughing… I mean Amit Thakur, B.Tech NSIT, Age 23, Working with Multinational Company earning in 8 figures is entering room everyday through window from last 3 days. It was one of those moments when I laughed so much that I leaned on the car window and finally had to sit near the tyre

Then there was this legendary incident which happened during placement in NSIT.
Amit Thakur’s Friend: Rohit; He was intelligent, good in sports. He used to be good in Interviews otherwise except when somebody asks him “ What is your hobby or something like What are your strengths”. He used to panic

So during one of the interview session

Company Guy: So Rahul, I guess you have worked a lot on Hydraulic Pumps and can you please tell me about blah blah blah..
Rohit: Yes Sir Yes sir.. I have done quite a few projects.
Company Guy: So Tell me what else do you want to know about our company?
Rohit: Sir Nothing much.
Company Guy: Ok Tell me something about you, like something you are really good at?
Rohit: (He was like,, bhencho..) He acted all confident and leaned back on the chair. He kept his one hand on the side of the chair feeling the support and the other hand on his face..rubbing his chin acting really confident.

He answered: “ Sir, I think I am a really good observer”

Company Guy: ( I don’t know whether he was impressed or he was amazed but I guess he liked the answer a little. Worst happened that he continued with it)
“Alright Rohit, that’s a start We are sitting here for like .. ummm 30 min. So what is your observation about me”
Rohit: (Panic had already struck him but he never backed out. He continued act confident and he was so concerned to look confident, he forgot what he had to answer. He looked at the company guy acutely, rubbed his chin like he was pondering seriously and said “

Sir you know what.. I think you are also (pause) a very good observer
We had like 6-7 beers, and planned to go to Sona Gachi in Kolkata at night…
I had never been to such an area in India before. When I told Apeksha, she was like Eww…I didn’t say much to make her understand about why did I go there. I had my own reasons.

Sona Gachi is an area in Kolkata, near Grease Park Metro Station. It looks like you can say Chandni Chowk. Immensely crowded with people just passing by children playing badminton, with a lot and a lot of hawkers selling fruits, golgappas, egg rolls.

While you would walk in the road. There would be a lot of old buildings with names like Night Lovers/Neelkamal Building etc (well I visited these 2 that’s why I know)
My friend Varun was sweating profusely since he had never been to such a place before.

Varun said “ Chal nikaltey hai
Me “ Abhi kahaan”
Varun “ yaar tu marwayega”
Varun “ chal sutta nikal tu !”

As we were walking this old man comes to us “Idhar aa jao, Achhi achhi dikhata huin”

That man was like 65-75 years old but damn it with so much pride and happiness he said those words that it hit me. He had no regrets of doing or even talking like that. Pretty Neat. Huh. He was a lot like me. No regret about anything anymore.
As we entered he shouted
Oye Sonu Monu, bahaar aana
Don’t ask me about Sonu Monu as we proceeded to the first floor and there were people bustling, all labour class people bustling with girls with heavy lipstick and wearing shiny clothes were talking standing outside each room in the corridor playing with their hair. A couple of the girls had small children like 2-3 years old playing there while someone had a new born in her hand and was trying to hand it over to a friend while she said
Cushhtomer aaya hai
For a moment I was thinking that my life is same as theirs only the money hides the sobs and shows laughter.

Next Foor

This looked cleaner I guess because it was expensive. The girls were pretty young perhaps 18 or so. They all had flashy mobiles and were sitting together near a verandah playing some games. As soon as we came they didn’t even bother to look until this old man shouted “ Sapna idhar aana” She came smiling with her hands interlocked together and he said “ Dekh lo”
It was like choosing a tshirt and that man was pretty convinced he had a good collection and wanted to sell me one at any cost. I wanted to retort “ Kya dekhu”
but kept mum.

Third floor

It had a big terrace, and me and Varun just came out. I had coronas in my bag so I took it out and started drinking while we sat on the railing.
Varun was pretty cheerful and said “Sahi jagah hai na”
I said “ Haan Thik hai”
I think I was lost for a moment, all I liked was the beer in my hand worth 90 buks. I was thinking it was the first time I am having this beer for 90 buks. At ambience mall in Gurgaon damn I paid 410 buks including taxes for this. I loved that beer very much on the top of the building, Night Lovers. It was a good feeling

The man shouted “Udhar AC Room bhi available hai”. I said “Chup ho jaa” and I thought he understood that I don’t want to hear his voice again

Suddenly out of the blue, I saw this girl walking on the other end of the terrace, she was wearing a t shirt and payjama. She wasn’t someone who belonged to that place. She was smoking ganja and I wanted to take a drag really bad so I asked for it. She didn’t care to say much before she handed over me another 2 joints. She spread out her palm in front of me without looking at me + taking a drag. I handed over a hundred. I am not going in details of the night at Sona Gachi, but it was exhilarating, like a good break from the usual.

I am presently in Cochin in the middle of the Indian ocean. It’s a good thing when you feel like the King. Its fucking great as I sit on the helipad while watching the sunset eating Spicy Barbeque Chicken Sandwich which I prepared from scratch Then I spread it over the 4 slices of Bread to make it large and feastful. Then I put some tomatoes and some lettuce and olives with jalapeños and coleslaw. Its like homemade Sandwich + Chilled Coke and Choclate brownie with Vanilla Ice cream on the side, as I listened to the music while I typed my blog and enjoyed the wind ....I watched this….
Now All I need is a heavy rain and Yacht. I am sure it will come to me because I want it.
Gracias !

Saturday, October 18, 2008


All whiskeys are equal; They are all vastly inferior to Jack Daniels.

3nd October ‘2008,
7:30 am.

It was the best feeling when I rolled over nicky and kissed her on the shoulders. I guess scottish girls don’t open their eyes, she jst rolled back and started smothering my lips. I could feel her legs trying to move on mine while kissing and her knees poking me inside the quilt.

She looks at me says “so how was meal last night?” I said Jesus heard my prayers...

She laughed and looked at me..then gave me a peck , took my towel, wrapped around and went jumping on the carpet straight into the shower, shouting “ you can join if you want.”

I put my hand on the back of my head smirking, as I cut the tip of the cigar and whispered“ Thank you Jack.”

2nd october ‘ 2008
7:30 am.
I woke up startled, with a jolt, one hand on the ground fingers touching the floor and the second grabbing the pillow. I squeezed my eyes and it was 7:30am. I was cranky and had one of those nights with heavy liquor. Normally I don’t go down but yesterday was a wasted night.

I came out of the hotel, to leave for the office, took my cigar and lit it. While i was busy doing that Mohammed, Adeeb came out n shouted

“Gud morning shaun”
I looked at them, didn’t feel the urge to reply back, my mind was kinda fixed on the dream last night of having a conversation , meaningful conversation, like looking for a shrink perhaps.

I ignored them.
So as I went to the table for breakfast, pouring cereal and stuff. Just right about then my eyes wandered to the legs across my table. There was a tattoo of a sparrow on her ankles, a blue-yellow sparrow flying. I looked up to see her and she was there asking the people orders.

Sweet ! I said aloud.
After she was finished them, comes to me and says “ What do u want to have for breakfast?”
“ sparrows”.
What again?
I said nothing. What do u have?
No I heard you said sparrows. I just looked at her and said, it’s a beautiful tattoo.
She smiled and said in long sweet voice.. ( don’t know what’s the deal with singing)
I knowwwwww
Can I have an omelette with tomatoes, fried bread and toast with honey Nicky.
Yeah.. wait a secnd..How did u know my naeeme?
It says right there pointing at her shirt.
She looked at me and gave me a sigh.. and tells me “ Its my first day here and I am pretty nervous”
You are doing amazingly well, coming from me who has always been doing this stuff from years in India.. [cummmonnn]
You from india?
Yeah, why You are from india 2. though u look tht u r somewhere from east.
Ya, I am half jewish and half english, I love that country though, never been there but my ex was Indian back in london.
Too much information nicky.. u are single, that’s all I heard.
She laughed ! o ya

That’s so good.. Alright u hurry with the orders, you don’t want the manager to see u talking, with those ppl waiting there after all its ur first day.
Oh yeahhhhhh [again]

It was the smoothest conversation I had with the stranger and I loved every part of it. Anyway my mind was still thinking if she resembled someone and I then realised she looked exactly like Shambhavi Sharma. m telling u.

She brought the tray holding everything. She put it on the table and I was still looking at her feet.
U can have it too, if you love that thing so much, said while she was setting the trays.

No, thanks. I like it on ur ankles more.

Well I am here, you can look as much as u want.

I was like.. whaa...

So I finished the breakfast and was leaving to go for the office when I said Thanks for everything and she was like. I hope you liked the breakfast more. I just said " I think i liked the ankles more" and said bye and went away.To be honest I would have hated if she had said something weird, so I left

8:30-5:00 pm

The longest day ever.


As I came back, I noticed she was still there and this time on reception. I was all cool though she was stinking with perfume.

What are you doing tonight ? said she handing over my room keys.


Do u wanna go out later at night. it's friday and this city goes nuts. I l show you.

I looked at her and said " only if u show me the tattoo?"

She said "You mean my tattoos." with a corny smile and a wink followed.


00:00 -7:30 am 2nd Oct.

In one hand, I carried Jack and other was going all crazy. I aint going in details but definately the tattoos of the sparrow coming from the nest which came out from eggs.. quite large ones were something which made my mind swirl and . . .

last thing which I said to her " I was going for a nice breakfast but god nicky u serve the bestest meal.." and she said Shaun! you have no fucking idea. Sweet jesus.

Written and Produced by:

Wednesday, April 02, 2008


11 a.m Patna.
April 4, Almost Every year.
Bihar, India

I was looking outside the window ardently, sitting uncomfortably, adjusting in the little space with plenty of thoughts racing in my mind My hands were folded on my body was trying to itch my arms, not exactly.... infact i was just brazing my fingertips under the sleeves of my t-shirt and at times squeezed my flesh. It was a good day.

It wasn't a usual day at home. Something different and amazing and I loved that moment so much that I wanted to have sex with it. [I closed the lid of my computer as I stopped watching scrubs ;exactly when the stroke of teeny tiny droplets of water came strong on my computer screen and the back of my head]. It was about to pour down heavily. Cool, soothing and windy morning with grey clouds above, it was indeed gonna rain. The water in the pond behind my house was moving strongly making circles. The dust was all around. My mother shouted " khidki band karo nahi toh sab dhool andar aayega" I didn't want to. I wanted to see everything. Right from the fact that initially it would be like a storm then it would drizzle and finally would come down heavy on us. It was somehow the moment which I really adored to the core.

"nahi aayega dhool" I retorted.

My bed was aligned along the window. I opened the other window pane and sat by the window sledge. I tried very hard to fit myself on to it. As I looked outside there was panic..

Hurrr... hurr.. The gwala was shouting hysterically as he tried to fit those cattles inside that hut but in vain. The rain was pouring mercilessly and heavily; practically one of the cows was standing in rain despite his best efforts. Some craftsmen, I suppose were trying to cover the newly made pipes with vast plastic sheets. Looking at an angle I saw a red house, no it wasn't painted, it practically didnt have any plaster so I could see the bricks, there was this robust woman, running around in a frantic rush to take all the clothes from the roof which were drying. As she was doing that her son was running around on the roof enjoying and playing in the rains. She was so much in a hurry that she held his body by his upper arms and he clung on to her arms. She lifted him up and ran towards the door.

I sighed. It was like I had concentrated so much to see as the rains that it made me sightless, so I closed my eyes for sometime. I felt hungry.

"Mummy, kuchh khane ko de dou".

She came walking calmly and said " abhi toh naashta kiye thhey na"

"Ok, rehnde dou.. ek second.. achaa banana shake banaa dou khoob saara..

she smiled and went back. I knew she won't say no if I ask for something like banana shake. Good, that I didn't say I wanted Maggi. (lol). As soon as my mother left my room I closed my eyes and started to remember, I wasn't able to think since each time my mind tried to focus, the water droplets struck me on my face and I was forced to see outside and well I did enjoy the paranomic view....

Suddenly I got up, went to open the computer lid and put on enigma. As I came back to sit on the bed and kept my chin on the window sledge with my hands between it, I closed my eyes and as soon as I did that, my mind started working, I got lost.

Cafe Leopold, Mumbai
March 2007.
Time 8-9ish...

I have no clue about Bombay, Sanyukta. Seriously, I have no clue..
"I know a place" said she.

It's a good place.. Chal !

Pata nahi, tu kahaan le jaayegi..Tell me na
Nahi btaa rahi main.. Lets go.

We reached the place. I realised I am standing behind Taj Hotel. People were moving very fast. I was jittery, a bit fretful, kinda feeling weird. She walked confidently like she owned that place. I followed her.
Within few seconds, I was walking in a crowded place. Right in front of me was "Cafe Mondegar"
It looked expensive. I didn't say a word.
As we crossed the road and kept moving, I looked at her moving with giant steps, dodging people dodging eyes, walking like a ghost. I wanted to stop her at that moment and tell her... I love u, but I was too engrossed with the eccentric crowd. It was like everybody trying to push me while she walked comfortably like she scared people and as if she was actually a ghost. When I think like this I like her even more.

giant steps led upstairs to the first floor. As I entered it was full. Thankfully we got a table for 2. I pulled the chair for her so that she could choose where to sit. If she would have sat on the side she didn't choose, she would have seen the crowd, full of african-americans drinking and dancing., while on the otherside she would only get to see me and the old man smoking cigar behind me. She chose the obvious side.

As we ordered the drinks, we were talking about the surprise and about manish, charu and about people, then about college, home, family. time flew. I just had like 3 beers while she must have had 4 large rum. She had started to become more quieter and funnier but then I didn't know that she is gonna scold the waiter to get the tequilla.. that too 2..Waiter was too cautious to anything.

"She was wet from her eyes.. I think it was the lemon or may be not, but she looked so sexy that I didn't say no for another tequilla after a little persuasion. But I realised.. had I not stopped her, then she would have had even more after losing consciousness. That was pretty sweet.


I was perplexed, first i thought i should wake her up which was nearly impossible so after a lot of struggle , I picked her up and well, her slippers fell. You know the situation where you don't know what to do..should i pick the slippers keeping her on my hands or shd i put her back on the chair and make her wear the slippers.. Gladly people helped me put her slippers on the back-pockets of my jeans. You know a secret.. I loved it.. !!

Finally, the cigar smoking guy says" Beta.... Is she alright?"

"SUPER" I said. Giving him the thumbs.

As I came down the stairs and came out.. I just opened the taxi door and told him to drive back. While she slept peacefully on my lap.. I was stroking her hair, trying to see if she was awake. She was a bit restless but peaceful and silent.

I sometimes want those moments so bad that I don't know what would I do after 4-5 years to bring back those memories from the most profound part of my mind and try to visualize it and see it as many times as I want. At times, I am numb, othertimes dead, mostly I cry and strangely I am happy too at times when i am unconscious , never scared though, but you know what is the worst thing...it's when somebody you trusted the most couldn't just trust you back anymore and tried to free itself ripping apart with so much force that it was as if your soul befriended you. It was like I couldn't save myself from myself..and when i saw in the mirrow.. I saw it...
....Just like this :

"Utho...Saurabh" .." Shake pee lou " said Ma...and I realised.. " The rains have stopped, the weather is hot again.. the sun is scorching ! The beautiful weather is gone and I didn't even realise so unaware was I,
huh..so unaware was I.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

holi was just another DAY !

Sometimes I have so many things I am thinking at the same time that I don’t want to write about it just because I am not in the mood. When I write or anybody..lets not to do anybody and in this whole world sorta things. I l stick to me and myself only.

So as I was saying when I write I think I focus mainly on writing before I think what to write but today despite of the fact that I am not in the mood I will just write what comes to my mind. I had so many things going in my head that presently I forgot what to decipher to u all first.
Well for a quick start seconds before I saw sanyukta’s snaps and I realized I haven’t moved on till now so I don’t think I am emotionally available. To be honest I think now writing this would make one step ahead from what I was that atleast now I accept I have to move on huh.. too complicated things just leave it there.

I am actually very confused over somethings which I find very stupid. I think there is a time when everybody wants to be left alone. I meant left alone for whatever reason they don’t know. Then you will see that their closest or you know most connecting friends hang around with them to make him/her comfortable. I detest what I am wrting but I want to don’t know why I guess I am bored may be that’s why. I hate that at times.

That’s one thought I remembered. Ok now I will write the story , I want to make this article as extensive as possible and would try that until and unless I am empty in my mind with no story and with no imagination left to be shared at this moment no matter how personal or public they are. Even though I have written personal it would definitely be impossible for me to write personal things since I would be in dilemma whether or not its worth sharing with people I don’t care about.

Lately everything in my mind wanders to love and pain and stupid stuff but then it just comes and vanishes as soon as I realize that it’s a pennyless thought and I need to focus elsewhere. ( I think and I am pretty sure what’s wrong here. I was here to write something else but I cannot since I cannot remember those imagination and even though I could I am not able to write it. God ! why am I writing if you wont find it intresting enough to read It and at the end you would think stupid blog.)

You know what a good writer is, A really good one. A person who can create most déjà vu in his novel with every living soul on this planet. I mean when you read the novel and you think how similar your thought was to this author and you think, this novel totally gets me. I was thinking to read the fountainhead from such a long time but everytime I tend to pick up the novel and I see the thickness and I think ..may be later. So I read the kite runner instead and it didn’t get me so much as much I can imagine but it got me till a certain point. Sometimes I wish I could be an author or writer which can totally get you at all levels, you understand like all levels.
I don’t know what kind or persons you want to be but I do know what kind of person you are. When I am speaking don’t take it seriously, I am not judging and I am just giving an opinion. Everybody and I mean it so seriously that you would cry your eyes out but I am dead sure serious has a giant ego. The person who has it and shows it is proud of the fact that I have ego and The person who sacrifices it thinks that I can sacrifice this much .

There is a big problem with guys and girls at the teenage. All the guys at that age have no clue what love is and well girls have all the idea. (but both are lies if u r 22) For them it’s like the most beautiful thing that can happen to them. And its all over the world. Marriage, love, care, strong man and I don’t know what not they have imagined for their guys. As I speak all these things there would be all of you thinking Oh! Another one of those stupid things, but I am not speaking but like all parents think that their sons should not go through what they went through, I just don’t want any one to do stupid things like I did. “Don’t get scared coz every person in this world is just scared of being judged wrong” Okay I need to stop this because I know where its going.. may b later in some other post. (this was one of the most stupid paragraphs so forgive me)

Yes ! I remembered why I don’t I find girls who are like the best for me, Lemme picture my ideolized version of the lady I want.

Hmmm a muslim well religion doesn’t matter but she should be like this. A beautiful Indian/Pakistani/Afgani/ Latvian.. 5 ‘6 “ dark or fair complexioned with black hair. She should be at least 2 or 3 years elder to me with great American English accent and should know more than 2 languages hindi and English being the 2. It would be awesome if the third language is French. Her profession should not be too classy or too below average lets assume an intermediate level , may b journalist or freelance writer or bartender.

Huh ! As I say all this there would be so much fantasizing that its weird. Let me be more honest. I want a girl who is not too sticky nor too oblivious in fact oblivious would do, one who can at least cook few bihari dishes. (typical bihari of me) huh. I know how to cook, I just want her to know how to cook maggi. She should be extravagant in spending money, egoistic and less talkative even though she knows how immature talk is going around her she should know when to interfere and when not to. I wish for her name to be like aliya or Ananya or Ayeznia may be zarah . And then I say I don’t have any expectations. To be honest I don’t. I just have fantasies but they are mine.

Just enjoy your holi everyone as i said its just another day for me.
Happy Holi

Monday, March 10, 2008

10th march 2008

thts it. the thought must have ended right there....(perhaps).