I know.. there is something wrong within....

Wednesday, April 02, 2008


11 a.m Patna.
April 4, Almost Every year.
Bihar, India

I was looking outside the window ardently, sitting uncomfortably, adjusting in the little space with plenty of thoughts racing in my mind My hands were folded on my body was trying to itch my arms, not exactly.... infact i was just brazing my fingertips under the sleeves of my t-shirt and at times squeezed my flesh. It was a good day.

It wasn't a usual day at home. Something different and amazing and I loved that moment so much that I wanted to have sex with it. [I closed the lid of my computer as I stopped watching scrubs ;exactly when the stroke of teeny tiny droplets of water came strong on my computer screen and the back of my head]. It was about to pour down heavily. Cool, soothing and windy morning with grey clouds above, it was indeed gonna rain. The water in the pond behind my house was moving strongly making circles. The dust was all around. My mother shouted " khidki band karo nahi toh sab dhool andar aayega" I didn't want to. I wanted to see everything. Right from the fact that initially it would be like a storm then it would drizzle and finally would come down heavy on us. It was somehow the moment which I really adored to the core.

"nahi aayega dhool" I retorted.

My bed was aligned along the window. I opened the other window pane and sat by the window sledge. I tried very hard to fit myself on to it. As I looked outside there was panic..

Hurrr... hurr.. The gwala was shouting hysterically as he tried to fit those cattles inside that hut but in vain. The rain was pouring mercilessly and heavily; practically one of the cows was standing in rain despite his best efforts. Some craftsmen, I suppose were trying to cover the newly made pipes with vast plastic sheets. Looking at an angle I saw a red house, no it wasn't painted, it practically didnt have any plaster so I could see the bricks, there was this robust woman, running around in a frantic rush to take all the clothes from the roof which were drying. As she was doing that her son was running around on the roof enjoying and playing in the rains. She was so much in a hurry that she held his body by his upper arms and he clung on to her arms. She lifted him up and ran towards the door.

I sighed. It was like I had concentrated so much to see as the rains that it made me sightless, so I closed my eyes for sometime. I felt hungry.

"Mummy, kuchh khane ko de dou".

She came walking calmly and said " abhi toh naashta kiye thhey na"

"Ok, rehnde dou.. ek second.. achaa banana shake banaa dou khoob saara..

she smiled and went back. I knew she won't say no if I ask for something like banana shake. Good, that I didn't say I wanted Maggi. (lol). As soon as my mother left my room I closed my eyes and started to remember, I wasn't able to think since each time my mind tried to focus, the water droplets struck me on my face and I was forced to see outside and well I did enjoy the paranomic view....

Suddenly I got up, went to open the computer lid and put on enigma. As I came back to sit on the bed and kept my chin on the window sledge with my hands between it, I closed my eyes and as soon as I did that, my mind started working, I got lost.

Cafe Leopold, Mumbai
March 2007.
Time 8-9ish...

I have no clue about Bombay, Sanyukta. Seriously, I have no clue..
"I know a place" said she.

It's a good place.. Chal !

Pata nahi, tu kahaan le jaayegi..Tell me na
Nahi btaa rahi main.. Lets go.

We reached the place. I realised I am standing behind Taj Hotel. People were moving very fast. I was jittery, a bit fretful, kinda feeling weird. She walked confidently like she owned that place. I followed her.
Within few seconds, I was walking in a crowded place. Right in front of me was "Cafe Mondegar"
It looked expensive. I didn't say a word.
As we crossed the road and kept moving, I looked at her moving with giant steps, dodging people dodging eyes, walking like a ghost. I wanted to stop her at that moment and tell her... I love u, but I was too engrossed with the eccentric crowd. It was like everybody trying to push me while she walked comfortably like she scared people and as if she was actually a ghost. When I think like this I like her even more.

giant steps led upstairs to the first floor. As I entered it was full. Thankfully we got a table for 2. I pulled the chair for her so that she could choose where to sit. If she would have sat on the side she didn't choose, she would have seen the crowd, full of african-americans drinking and dancing., while on the otherside she would only get to see me and the old man smoking cigar behind me. She chose the obvious side.

As we ordered the drinks, we were talking about the surprise and about manish, charu and about people, then about college, home, family. time flew. I just had like 3 beers while she must have had 4 large rum. She had started to become more quieter and funnier but then I didn't know that she is gonna scold the waiter to get the tequilla.. that too 2..Waiter was too cautious to anything.

"She was wet from her eyes.. I think it was the lemon or may be not, but she looked so sexy that I didn't say no for another tequilla after a little persuasion. But I realised.. had I not stopped her, then she would have had even more after losing consciousness. That was pretty sweet.


I was perplexed, first i thought i should wake her up which was nearly impossible so after a lot of struggle , I picked her up and well, her slippers fell. You know the situation where you don't know what to do..should i pick the slippers keeping her on my hands or shd i put her back on the chair and make her wear the slippers.. Gladly people helped me put her slippers on the back-pockets of my jeans. You know a secret.. I loved it.. !!

Finally, the cigar smoking guy says" Beta.... Is she alright?"

"SUPER" I said. Giving him the thumbs.

As I came down the stairs and came out.. I just opened the taxi door and told him to drive back. While she slept peacefully on my lap.. I was stroking her hair, trying to see if she was awake. She was a bit restless but peaceful and silent.

I sometimes want those moments so bad that I don't know what would I do after 4-5 years to bring back those memories from the most profound part of my mind and try to visualize it and see it as many times as I want. At times, I am numb, othertimes dead, mostly I cry and strangely I am happy too at times when i am unconscious , never scared though, but you know what is the worst thing...it's when somebody you trusted the most couldn't just trust you back anymore and tried to free itself ripping apart with so much force that it was as if your soul befriended you. It was like I couldn't save myself from myself..and when i saw in the mirrow.. I saw it...
....Just like this :

"Utho...Saurabh" .." Shake pee lou " said Ma...and I realised.. " The rains have stopped, the weather is hot again.. the sun is scorching ! The beautiful weather is gone and I didn't even realise so unaware was I,
huh..so unaware was I.


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